Disagree Without the Volume

Why Do We Yell During Disagreements?

Let’s face it—disagreements happen to everyone. But have you ever noticed that arguments in personal relationships often escalate to yelling, while disagreements at work or in other settings tend to stay more composed? It’s a fascinating difference and one we dive into during our Premarital Counseling program.

So, why do we yell?

Here are three common reasons:

Reason 1: We’re Not Feeling Heard
Think about standing next to a jet engine—you’d have to yell just to get your voice across, right? In relationships, if we feel like our message isn’t being heard, we subconsciously “crank up the volume” to demand attention, even though there’s no jet engine around.

Reason 2: We’re Not Feeling Understood
Ever seen someone talk louder to someone who doesn’t speak their language? It’s like our brain thinks raising the volume will somehow bridge the gap. The same thing can happen in relationships—when we feel misunderstood, we might yell to “force” understanding. Spoiler: it doesn’t work.

Reason 3: We’re Trying to Overpower
Sometimes yelling isn’t about being heard or understood—it’s about shutting the other person down. By overpowering their voice and message, we’re essentially saying, “My perspective matters more than yours.” Not exactly a recipe for productive communication.

The Problem With Yelling

Unless you’re actually standing next to a jet engine, yelling doesn’t help. It’s a big red flag that communication has broken down. So, what can you do when the volume starts creeping up?

Here are a few simple strategies:

1. Give Fair Warning
   If you need to discuss something potentially difficult, plan the conversation. Choose the right time and place, and let the other person know in advance. No one likes being blindsided by a serious discussion.

2. Focus on Outcomes
   When things start heating up, take a step back and ask: What are we trying to accomplish here? Clarifying your goals can redirect the conversation toward finding solutions instead of escalating the conflict.

3. Paraphrase
   Miscommunication often fuels yelling. Instead of yelling your point louder, pause and paraphrase what you think the other person is saying. Start with, “This is what I hear you saying…” This gives them a chance to clarify and ensures you’re both on the same page.

4. Call a Time-Out
   If things start spiraling into a yelling match, it’s time to hit the pause button. You can say something like, “I want to understand you, but this is getting unproductive. Let’s take a break and come back to it.” Or, make it even easier by coming up with a predetermined time-out "code word" or phrase—something neutral like “Pause” or something playful like “Pineapple.” A code word signals a time-out without needing a lengthy explanation and helps avoid further escalation. Use the break to cool down and refocus on your goals for the conversation. Be sure to agree on a specific time to revisit the discussion, so the pause doesn’t turn into avoidance.

Practice Makes Perfect

Here’s the thing: these techniques work best when everyone’s on board. Talk about them with your partner before your next disagreement. That way, they’ll recognize when you’re using these strategies—and they can use them too!

Disagreements don’t have to mean yelling. With a little effort, you can learn to navigate conflict in a way that strengthens your relationship instead of tearing it down.