Being Love Language Bilingual
If you’ve ever read Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages or taken the Love Language test, you probably know what your love language is—and maybe even your partner’s. For those who haven’t, I highly recommend diving into it. It’s an eye-opening way to understand how you and your partner experience and express love.
But here’s the important part: knowing your love language (or even your partner’s) isn’t enough. The real challenge is learning to “translate” when your partner is expressing love in their language, not yours. Think of it as becoming love language “bilingual.”
Speaking Different Love Languages
Here’s a personal example: My primary love language is words of affirmation. Nothing makes me feel more loved than when my husband, Robert, tells me he appreciates my sense of humor or compliments something I’ve done.
But Robert’s primary love language is acts of service. That means he feels most loved when I do things for him, like taking care of tasks or preparing something special. And that’s also how he naturally shows love.
So, when Robert brings me coffee in the morning, it might not speak directly to my love language, but I’ve learned to translate his act of service as his way of saying, “I love you.” He’s speaking in his language, and I recognize it as love.
The Effort to Speak Each Other’s Language
Of course, the reverse is true, too. Words of affirmation don’t come naturally to Robert. It’s not his first “language,” so when he tries to express love in that way, it takes effort. Sometimes, he might “mispronounce” the language, so to speak—like when his words don’t land quite right. But honestly, that makes me feel even more loved. Why? Because I see him working to speak my love language, even when it’s not easy for him.
Why Bilingual Love Matters
When you and your partner share the same love language, it’s like being fluent in the same dialect—showing love becomes second nature. But most couples are in “bilingual” relationships, where their primary love languages differ. That’s where things can get tricky.
If you’re not paying attention, you might miss the ways your partner is expressing love simply because it’s not in your language. For example, if your love language is quality time but your partner’s is gift-giving, you might feel unloved when they show up with a thoughtful gift instead of planning a cozy evening together.
But here’s the thing: they are showing love—you just need to translate it.
Becoming Fluent
Learning to speak and understand your partner’s love language takes effort, but it’s worth it. Here are a few tips to become more fluent:
Learn Each Other’s Language: Take the Love Language test together and talk about your results. Understanding your partner’s language is the first step.
Translate Their Actions: When your partner expresses love in their language, take a moment to see it for what it is—a genuine display of love.
Practice Their Language: Even if it’s not your natural way of expressing love, make the effort to speak your partner’s language. The effort alone is meaningful.
Celebrate the Effort: If your partner isn’t “fluent” in your language yet, appreciate the steps they’re taking to learn. It’s the effort, not perfection, that counts.
How Fluent Are You?
The most successful relationships are built on love, understanding, and effort. So, ask yourself:
Do you recognize when your partner is showing love, even if it’s not in your language?
Are you making an effort to speak their language?
Learning to be bilingual in love might take time, but it’s one of the best investments you can make in your relationship. So, how fluent are you in your partner’s love language? If the answer isn’t “very,” now’s the perfect time to start practicing!
Learn more about how Love Language impacts your relationship in our Premarital Counseling program.