The Truth About Little Lies in Relationships
Let’s be real—how often do you find yourself using small deceptions to “go along to get along” in your relationship? A little white lie here, a secret there, maybe even just pretending to agree when you don’t. It’s a topic that comes up a lot in our Premarital Counseling program, and for good reason.
When we hide our true feelings—or the truth itself—we’re not just doing a disservice to our partner. We’re also harming the relationship and, ultimately, ourselves.
Why Little Lies Aren’t So Little
The problem with small deceptions is that they tend to snowball. A little lie might seem harmless at first, but over time, suppressed feelings and unspoken truths build up. And when they finally come out (and they will come out), the explosion can cause serious damage.
Think of it like shaking a soda can. Every small lie or hidden truth is another shake. Eventually, the pressure builds until it bursts, leaving a mess that’s much harder to clean up than if you’d just opened the can carefully in the first place.
Why Do We Hide the Truth?
When you catch yourself holding back your feelings or hiding the truth, take a moment to reflect. What’s motivating you to do this? Here are some common reasons:
Insecurity – You might worry that being honest will make you seem vulnerable or weak, or you might fear your relationship isn’t strong enough to handle the truth.
Embarrassment – Sometimes it’s easier to hide how you feel than risk looking foolish or admitting a mistake.
Desire to Keep the Peace – No one likes conflict, and it might feel easier to just avoid it altogether by “playing along.”
Apathy – You tell yourself, “It’s not a big deal,” or, “It’s just not worth the hassle.”
But here’s the thing: avoiding the truth doesn’t keep the peace for long. It just delays the inevitable—and often makes things worse.
Are You Making Assumptions?
Another factor that can lead to deception is making assumptions about how your partner will react. Ask yourself:
Are these assumptions based on reality, or am I letting my fears take over?
Am I being fair to my partner and giving them the benefit of the doubt?
Do I trust their character enough to believe they’ll handle the truth with grace?
Assumptions can be tricky. If you assume the worst, you might miss an opportunity to have an honest, constructive conversation.
Breaking the Cycle of Deception
The only way to build a strong, lasting relationship is through honesty and vulnerability. Yes, that means having some tough conversations, but it’s those moments of openness that lead to real growth and deeper connection.
Here are a few tips to help you break free from the “go along to get along” trap:
Use “I” Statements – Start with how you feel instead of placing blame. For example, “I feel upset when this happens,” instead of, “You always do this.” It sets a more constructive tone.
Give Fair Warning – If the topic is sensitive, let your partner know in advance. A simple, “Hey, can we talk about something that’s been on my mind?” can ease the tension.
Be Brave – Sharing honestly takes courage. Acknowledge your fears but push through them. The payoff—greater trust and understanding—is worth it.
The Bottom Line
Little lies and hidden feelings might seem like the easier option in the moment, but they create barriers to real connection. When you’re honest with your partner—about everything, big or small—you’re not just being truthful. You’re building trust, fostering growth, and setting the stage for a relationship where both of you can truly thrive.
So, take a deep breath and start the conversation. The road to honesty might feel bumpy at first, but it’s the only way to reach the destination of a strong, lasting partnership.