Relationship Nurturing Part 3 – The Go-Along-to-Get-Along

Little lies. Secrets. Lies of omission. The mask of acquiescence. How often do you use small deceptions to go along to get along in your relationship? This is an area that comes up all-too-often as we work with couples in our Premarital Counseling program.

When we hide our true feelings – or the truth – for whatever reason, we are doing a disservice to our partner and to the relationship, as well as to ourselves. The larger the deception, the larger the explosion when true feelings come out. And they will come out.

When you find yourself trying to rationalize hiding the truth or your feelings, assess your motivation for doing so. Here are some of the things that might be leading you to this behavior:

• Feelings of insecurity about yourself, or even insecurity about the strength of the relationship

• The risk of embarrassment

• A desire to keep peace

• Simple apathy – it’s just not worth it

Next, what assumptions are you making about the other person’s reaction that might be driving you to alter your thoughts and feelings, heading you down the path to deception? Do those assumptions correctly align to the character of the other person? Are you giving them the benefit of the doubt?

The only way to build and maintain growth in the relationship is sharing honestly and making yourselves vulnerable to each other. This includes having difficult conversations, setting aside your fears and plunging ahead. Using the power of “I” statements and “fair warning” to begin the conversation can reduce the apprehension you feel, and break through the go-along-to-get-along behavior.