Communication Skills Part 2 – “I” Statements

Disagreements and differences of opinion can – and do – happen in any relationship. The words we use during those exchanges have an enormous impact on the course and outcome of the exchange, and can be the difference between a conversation and an argument.

In our Premarital Counseling program, one of the most important techniques we teach our couples for keeping things civil and productive is the use of “I” statements. When one person comes at another with a “You” statement, such as “You did this…”, it usually puts that other person on the defensive, and is often the first step to an argument. By replacing the “You” statement with an “I” statement, it can completely change the impact on – and reaction from – the other person.

Here are three examples of “You” statements and corresponding “I” statements:

“You didn’t take out the trash.” >>> “I love it when you take the trash out every evening.”

“You always interrupt me.” >>> “I feel ignored when you interrupt me.”

“You look upset. What happened to you?” >>> “I noticed that you seem upset. How can I help?”

This also extends to what we refer to as “I” questions. When a question begins with “Did you…?”, it immediately establishes an authority-subordinate relationship, again putting the recipient of the question on guard.

An example of a “You” question and corresponding “I” question:

“Did you walk the dog?” >>> “I was wondering if you got a chance to walk the dog?”

Could the use of “I” statements and “I” questions improve your interactions?