Communication Skills Part 4 – Apologies 101
As children we were instructed to apologize when we wronged another person. So, our 5-year-old self would look sheepishly at the other person, and say “I’m sorry” in our 5-year-old voice. We didn’t necessarily know why we were apologizing, we just wanted to get it over with. Even our 5-year-old minds knew it was a way to quickly end conflict, whether we were really sorry or not. If asked why we were apologizing, the answer most likely would be “uhhhhhhh”.
Fast forward 20 or 30 or 40 years. Have we gotten any better at apologizing? Do we know the ingredients of a good apology? Many couples don’t, and this is why the art of apologizing is a subject we cover in both our Premarital Counseling and Newlywed Coaching programs.
First, here’s an example of an apology that isn’t an apology: “I’m sorry I ate your donut, but I didn’t think you wanted it.” As soon as the word “but” makes its appearance, the apology has gone off the rails, and has actually turned into an excuse.
A good and complete apology contains the following three components:
1) “I’m sorry I ate your donut.” This should clearly be an “I” statement mentioning how you impacted the other person.
2) “Eating your donut was wrong because it belonged to you, and it was selfish for me to eat it.” This component should demonstrate that you know what you did was wrong, and why it was wrong.
3) “In the future, I’ll be sure to check with you before assuming you don’t want it.” The final component states how you will change your behavior to prevent the same thing from happening again. Though it is often left out, this is perhaps the most important component of an apology since it is a commitment to change.
This example is simple, but the formula and components of a good apology are always the same, regardless of the severity of the infraction. Here’s the formula in summary:
“I” statement naming the wrong
+ Taking responsibility
+ Commitment to change
= A good and complete apology
How good are you at apologizing?