Apologies 101
Have You Mastered the Art of Apologizing?
Think back to when you were a kid. Remember being told to apologize when you upset someone? Your 5-year-old self might have mumbled a quick “I’m sorry” while staring at the ground, eager to move on. Let’s be honest—you probably didn’t know why you were apologizing, and you definitely didn’t mean it half the time. It was just a way to end the conflict as quickly as possible.
Fast forward a couple decades: how much better are you at apologizing now? For many couples, the answer is… not much. That’s why the art of apologizing is a key topic in our Premarital Counseling program.
The Wrong Way to Apologize
Let’s start with what not to do. Imagine saying:
“I’m sorry I ate your donut, but I didn’t think you wanted it.”
The moment “but” enters the conversation, the apology loses its power. It’s no longer an apology—it’s an excuse. You’re justifying your actions instead of taking responsibility. And no one feels better after hearing an apology like that.
The Ingredients of a Good Apology
A real apology has three essential components. Let’s break it down:
Acknowledge the Wrong
Start with an “I” statement that names what you did and how it impacted the other person.
Example: “I’m sorry I ate your donut.”Take Responsibility
Show that you understand why what you did was wrong. This step requires self-awareness and empathy.
Example: “Eating your donut was wrong because it belonged to you, and it was selfish of me to eat it.”Commit to Change
Explain what you’ll do differently moving forward to prevent the same issue from happening again. This part is crucial—it shows you’re serious about learning from your mistakes.
Example: “In the future, I’ll check with you before assuming you don’t want something.”
Why the Formula Works
This formula works because it’s simple yet effective:
"I" statement naming the wrong
+
Taking responsibility
+
Commitment to change
=
A genuine, complete apology
It’s easy to remember and can be applied to any situation, whether it’s something small, like eating someone’s snack, or something bigger, like forgetting an important date or breaking a promise.
Why Apologies Matter in Relationships
In a healthy relationship, apologies do more than just smooth over conflicts. They rebuild trust, show respect, and demonstrate emotional maturity. When you apologize the right way, you’re not just saying “sorry”—you’re showing your partner that you value their feelings and are willing to grow.
And while it might seem easier to skip the tough conversations or offer a quick “Sorry if I upset you,” those shortcuts rarely work in the long run. A real apology requires vulnerability, self-reflection, and a willingness to improve.
How Good Are You at Apologizing?
Be honest—how often do your apologies hit all three components? If you’re like most people, there’s probably room for improvement. But the good news is, it’s a skill you can practice and get better at.
Start small. The next time you need to apologize, use this formula and see how it changes the conversation. A heartfelt, complete apology can make all the difference in strengthening your connection and showing your partner how much they mean to you.
So, how would you rate your apologizing skills? Are you ready to level up? 😊