Understanding Personality versus Habit
We've all heard the saying: "It takes 21 days to break a habit." But anyone who's tried to ditch a daily soda habit or start waking up earlier knows it's not always that simple. Depending on what you're trying to change and how deeply you're committed to making it happen, breaking a habit can take much, much longer—sometimes up to 10 times longer!
As couples learn in our Premarital Counseling and Newlywed Coaching programs, in relationships this idea takes on a whole new level of complexity. Let's say there's something about your partner that's been bugging you. Maybe they leave dishes in the sink, or they're always 10 minutes late to everything. It's annoying, right? But here's where it gets tricky: before you launch into a campaign to change your partner, it's crucial to figure out if what's bothering you is a habit or a part of their personality.
Habits vs. Personality: What's Driving the Behavior?
Think of habits as actions—things you do. They're like getting a haircut; that is, it’s very easy to shorten your hair if you really want to. Your partner can learn to rinse their plate and put it in the dishwasher, or set reminders so they start leaving the house earlier, if they choose to.
Personality, on the other hand, is all about how we're wired. It’s the deep-rooted traits that shape who we are. Changing these is like trying to grow your hair long—it takes time, and often, it's something we have little control over. If your partner is naturally a laid-back person, their casual approach to timing isn’t something that’s going to change overnight, if at all.
When Habits Are Rooted in Personality
Sometimes, habits are directly tied to someone’s personality. In these cases, trying to change one habit can be like playing a game of Whac-A-Mole: as soon as you knock one down, another pops up. Take, for instance, someone with a nervous personality. You might help them stop tapping their foot constantly, but soon, they might start drumming their fingers instead.
So, what can you do when the habits that bother you may be woven tightly into the fabric of your partner’s personality?
Tips for Navigating Personality and Habits in Relationships
Communicate Openly and Gently: It may not be obvious whether the habit in question is based in personality or not. Start by talking about what you’ve observed and how it affects you. Use "I feel" statements rather than accusatory "you always" language.
Focus on Compromise: Remember, it's not about changing who your partner is. It’s about finding middle ground where you can both be comfortable.
Decide What You Can Live With: Some traits or habits might be annoying, but not dealbreakers. Decide what’s really important for your happiness in the relationship.
Appreciate the Whole Package: Sometimes, accepting and loving someone's quirks—even those tied to less-than-ideal habits—is part of the deal. Try to focus on the things about your partner's personality that you love and appreciate.
Seek Understanding: Try to understand why your partner does what they do. Sometimes, understanding the root of a behavior can make it easier to deal with.
Consider Long-term Compatibility: Deciding on long-term compatibility can be tough but necessary. It's essential to honestly assess whether you can fully accept your partner as they are, including their ingrained habits and personality traits. If certain characteristics are dealbreakers, it's important to recognize this early on to prevent more significant issues down the line. This decision, while challenging, may be crucial for ensuring both partners can find lasting happiness and fulfillment.
Navigating the complex interplay of personality and habits in a relationship isn't easy, but it's a crucial part of growing together. By focusing on communication, compromise, and acceptance, you can strengthen your connection and build a more understanding and supportive partnership. Remember, it's not about fixing each other; it's about loving each other better, quirks and all.