Disagreements can happen between any two individuals. But why do disagreements so often end in yelling in our personal relationships, while disagreements at work or other settings do not? This is an aspect of communication that we cover within our Premarital Counseling and Newlywed Coaching programs.

Why do we yell?

When we yell at a friend or loved one, it generally means one of three things are happening:

Reason 1 - We’re not being heard: If we’re standing next to a jet engine, we must raise our voice to be heard by the person next to us. In normal conversation, if we feel like the other person is not able to hear our message, we crank up the volume.

Reason 2 - We’re not being understood: We often see people raise their voice when talking to somebody whose native language is not their own. For reasons unknown, the human brain believes that raising the volume will break through the language barrier, forcing the other person to understand the message we are trying to deliver. Unfortunately, too often this same phenomenon happens when one feels like their partner is not understanding their message.

Reason 3 - To overpower: We are trying to overpower the other person by drowning out both their voice and their message. When we do this, we are not truly interested in what the other person is saying, because we want our message to prevail, closing our mind to other possibilities.

Barring the presence of a jet engine, yelling rarely adds value to a dialog, and is often the signal that communication has broken down. So, what can we do when our emotions get triggered and our volume increases? Try these techniques:

1. Fair warning: If you are going to initiate a conversation that you think might be difficult, when possible, plan the where and when, and let the other person know in advance so they are not caught off-guard.

2. Focus on outcomes: If both people communicate what they are hoping to get from the dialog, it can steer the conversation into more productive avenues. If yelling has already started, take a break from the subject at hand and confirm the desired outcomes. Ask the question: “What are we trying to accomplish here?”

3. Paraphrase: The escalation of a disagreement is often a sign that miscommunication could be happening. Rather that continuing to yell your point-of-view, take a moment to paraphrase back to the other person your understanding of their position and what they are saying. Start with “This is what I hear you saying…”. This gives the other person the opportunity to clarify and correct if something you heard is not what they intended to communicate.

4. “Time-out”: Though easier said than done, pay attention to volume and recognize when the conversation is beginning to turn into a yelling match. Call a “time-out”, and let the other person know that you want to understand their point-of-view, but that the conversation is becoming unproductive. Take a break for a few minutes, then try again, using paraphrasing and a focus on desired outcomes to steer the interaction.

Discuss these techniques with people in your life before the next confrontation so they can recognize when they are being used, and so they can use them as well. Disagreement without yelling is possible.