When an important or difficult subject needs to be discussed, both timing and the setting of expectations can make the difference between a conversation and an argument.

Karl walks into the house after a very hectic and chaotic day at work. He’s only had time to hang his jacket before Kathy comes at him with, “Hey, I’m glad your home. We need to book a flight for Florida so we can spend Christmas with my folks.”

“Christmas with your folks? Where is that coming from? We’ve always spent Christmas here at home, and we welcome your parents to join us. What’s changed? I don’t want to fly to Florida!” Karl replies, brow furrowed.

Obviously, Karl was caught completely off-guard by this proposed abrupt change in their holiday plans. When ambushed in this way, our most primitive instinct is to take a defensive mental posture, immediately turning the situation into a confrontation.

In order to keep important interactions productive, consider the other person’s state of mind at the moment. Are they ready to have a serious conversation? It’s always best, whenever possible, to give fair warning. Here’s how this interaction could have gone:

Karl walks into the house after a very hectic and chaotic day at work. He hangs up his jacket, and walks into the kitchen where Kathy is preparing dinner.

“Hey, I’m glad your home,” Kathy says. “I wanted to talk to you about our Christmas plans for this year. Will you have time later this evening to discuss it? It’s a bit time sensitive.”

“Sure,” Karl says. “Let me change into some comfy clothes and wind down for a few minutes. I had a pretty rough day. Then, maybe we can talk about it right after dinner.”

There’s no guarantee that Kathy will be successful convincing Karl that Christmas in Florida is the right choice, but by giving fair warning, their chances of a calm and productive conversation is greatly improved. Fair warning includes both advance notice and at least a hint at what will be discussed, along with good use of an “I” statement.

Can fair warning help improve the outcome of your important interactions? Learn this and many more important communication skills in our Premarital Counseling and Newlywed Coaching programs.